Paul Beech

When the sheer filth of the bookshop becomes too much to handle for him, Manny calls a creepy cleaner and Bernard reluctantly agrees to house-sit for a friend. Unfortunately, the two manage to drink a very expensive bottle of wine that was due to be presented to the Pope, and have to figure out a way of either replacing it before he gets home or think of a present better than a box of pencils to compensate for it. Meanwhile, Fran goes on a date with a very nice man which is, unfortunately, nothing short of disastrous. At the end, Fran goes on a date with the cleaner, Bernard is distracted by his birthday, and jam fails to keep a bit of toast stuck to the ceiling.

After being burgled, Black Books gets a new alarm and security door fitted, but Manny fails to listen to the unlock code, distracted by a little Subbuteo player in the installer's hair ("there was a little man ... in his hair"). This quickly results in Manny being trapped alone inside with only a quickly-emptied bottle of Absinthe and dead bees for company and Bernard locked outside with just enough money for popcorn and a cinema ticket. Meanwhile, Fran has taken the phone off the hook to listen to silky-voiced Howell Granger read the shipping forecast on the radio, leaving Bernard to wander the streets of London penniless, cold and wet, with only an adult video shop and the allure of fast-food employment between him and freezing.