Young Patrick dreams of earning his knighthood and dispensing justice to evildoers; when he finally lands a coveted squire position at the royal castle, his dream job quickly turns into a nightmare.

Patrick's excitement to start his new squire job is quickly dampened when he is placed in charge of deciding who to execute as part of King Merriman's publicity stunt.

When Patrick scores highly coveted tickets to a Kraken watching cruise for his parents, he sees an opportunity to impress his hard-to-please father; the gift blows up in his face when the cruise is hijacked by a radical protest group.

As a string of high-profile assassinations rock the kingdom, the headstrong Princess Blossom returns home from school to attend a giant music festival; Patrick is stuck as her one-man security detail and realizes he's truly in over his head.

Patrick escorts King Merriman to a charity golf retreat, only to find out it's actually the Chill Society, an annual bacchanal where kings meet to divvy up power and party their faces off; Patrick is shocked at his look behind the curtain.

As the only uncut squire, Patrick is horrified to learn that he will need to undergo a circumcision to keep his job; as Blossom celebrates the arrival of her first period, she learns she will soon be forced into a chastity belt.